This isn't good... we've named a stray cat >.<  She showed up several days ago in our backyard, and Kyo went crazy.  After a bit, he settled down and just looked adoringly at her.  (I'm like 75% sure it's a girl).  Now we tease him about his "girlfriend" all the time.  She spends most of her days and nights in our back yard, either curled up on one of our lawn chairs or playing with Kyo in the window.

We've put out some food and water for her (probably not our best idea, but she's just SO sweet!).  She still runs to the other side of the yard when we go outside, but it seems like she's not running quite as far each time.  And she "talks" to us through the window.  (Well, we talk to her, and she gives little quiet meows in response.)

We're trying not to get too attached.  At the very least, I'd like to befriend her enough so that I can catch her and take her to a no kill shelter.  Another part of me wonders if having a strictly outdoor, backyard kitty would be a bad thing! 

We call her Lily.  :)

In all my life, I've never been without a pet.  And now here I am... petless.  It feels... lonely... sad.  I had my boys since I graduated from college... Kody, Kory and Turbo.  And now they're all gone.  It hurts.  At this point, I can't imagine having another pet.  If there's such a thing as loving a pet *too* much, I did that with my boys.  But it was just me and them alone and together for 15 years.  (Turbo graciously shared me with Henry for another 2 and a half years... and by graciously, I mean they constantly fought over one side of the bed ._. )  I just can't imagine loving another pet as much as I loved those 3.  But not having a pet is so foreign to me.

Henry has been wonderful throughout this.  Turbo was his first real pet (he had turtles before... turtles....) and they were SO cute together.  Henry would often go to "check on Turbo", and I'd find them both sprawled on the bed sleeping... Turbo on his back with Henry's hand on his belly rubbing it in his sleep.  I'm very lucky to have Henry here for me for this... he's been so supportive and understanding.

Hmmm... I guess I haven't updated this in a looong time.  Last time I posted, Henry and I had some *major* problems going on.  Well, things are *much* better.  It looked really bad for awhile there, so much so that I returned the engagement ring.  But we both made some changes, and we're very happy now.  Who knew relationships required work? (kidding!)

I met his ENTIRE family a few weeks ago.  It was a bit overwhelming.  My family is teeny tiny... I have a dad, a brother, his wife and my niece, one aunt and uncle, 2 cousins and a grandfather... so... 10 people total including me.

Now Henry's family is INSANE... he has like a bajillion cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, grandparents, etc.  BAJILLIONS!  And here's the really scary part... they are all incredibly gorgeous... with amazing outgoing personalities... they were all so shiny and sparkly.  His family is Filipino... and I'm... uh... a pasty white mutt.  So all weekend I was humming to myself "One of these things is not like the others."....

Overall, it went well... they seemed to like me even though I went and hid a few times.  (SO overwhelming!)

The other big thing on my mind right now is my birth mom.  She was supposed to come into town this weekend for my birth uncle's wedding (I was invited, but didn't really have an interest in meeting a whole 'nother family right now).  She and my birth grandma were going to come over tomorrow for a visit and then we were going to have dinner (with Henry).

I got a call from my birth grandmother (Jane) that my birth mother (Margo) had a psychotic break and is in a mental institute now.....

That's... disturbing.  I'm not really sure what to think or how to react to this.

RIP Turbo  1992-2009
He's gone... and the only other time I've felt pain this bad was when my mom died.  I always jokingly referred to Turbo as my kitty soulmate.  I already had two cats when I saw him, but the second my eyes met his, I knew he was mine.

He's been with me for 17 years... such a large part of my life...





There's so much I could say about him, but I just... can't right now.  I'll miss you Turbo!

Henry is... very often oblivious.  He's a hard core gamer, and he gets *very* wrapped up in his games - to the point that sometimes I think he doesn't notice me.

But then out of the blue, he'll do something sweet for me.

Friday he came home and said "I have presents!  Now pick a number between 1 and 6."

I went with 3.  He handed me a chocolate covered cherry.

I picked another number, and he handed me a McDonald's bag.  It contained two of the new Southern Style Chicken Sandwiches that I'd wanted to try.

The next number produced Cinabon!

The next a box of chocolate from See's Candy.

The fifth item was a DS game, and the final item was a pre-order of Mario Kart for the Wii!

Then we settled in on the couch to watch a movie and eat some of my treats!

I'm so very happy with him.  I've never felt this loved before. :)

Henry and I are engaged!!!



*squeee!*

This is so wrong.  We're decorating for Christmas, and we have the windows open because it's so warm here. :(

And... we had Thanksgiving at H's parents.  (They called and invited us 2 days before Thanksgiving - right after I spent $40 on our planned Thanksgiving meal).

It was... fine.  Henry went into his "cant-talk-I'm-eating" mode, so all conversation fell to me.  At least it's done and over with, so I don't have to worry about that anymore.  Haven't heard any feedback from it yet... hopefully they liked me well enough.

Six years ago today, my mom died.

At 12:55 am, she took her last breath surrounded by her family and her best friend.  By this point, we were all in shock, bone tired, and yes... even relieved.  Watching her struggle to breath on her own for over seven hours... is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

We were all silent.  The machines in the hospital room were silent.  It was over.  She was gone.

A nurse led all of us to a little room where a staff member came in to talk to us about a few matters - one of which was organ donation.
My mother's entire body was so ravaged by cancer that none of her organs were viable for donation, except her corneas.  My aunt said no.  I pointed out that my grandfather (my mom's dad) was able to see because he'd had a cornea transplant a few years earlier.  She relented.  Someone else can see because of my mom.

Basic funeral arrangements were discussed.  I would have liked her to be cremated and had her ashes scattered at the lake house.  My aunt strongly wanted her buried.  My dad didn't really have an opinion. 

My mom and I had discussed funerals and such before... her only comment was the funerals were for the living.  She didn't really care if she was cremated or buried.  So I let my aunt have her way.  (And I partially regret that... it hurts me to know that no one visits her grave.)

By this time, it was past 2 in the morning.  We realized there was nothing left to do, and that we should all go home.  We hugged, and cried, and went our separate ways to our cars.  I made my way to the emergency room parking (it felt like it had been days since I'd pulled into that parking lot), got into my car and cried harder than I had all day.  I have no idea how long I sat there crying.

I drove home, walked into my empty condo and just sat on my bed - alternating between numb and intense despair. 

Buffy: Was it sudden?
Tara: What?
Buffy: Your mother.
Tara: No. Yes... it's always sudden.

This exchange has always resonated with me. My mom's death something I should have been prepared for, but it still caught me completely off guard.

What always amazes me is how life just went... on.  Even the day she died.  I got up, my family gathered, and we did things like picking out a casket and headstone, selecting an outfit for her to wear.  There were lots of tears, but I will always remember the laughter as well.  Even with this immense loss, we found humor.  And it's what kept us sane.

RIP, Mom.

Six years ago today was the worst (and longest) day of my life.

My phone rang around four in the morning.  My dad was calling to tell me my mom had collapsed and was rushed to the hospital.  (To this day, I still break out in a cold sweat if the phone rings in the middle of the night).

He wanted me to come by their house and wait for my grandfather (my mom's dad) to wake up so I could take him to the hospital.

I remember getting in the shower and sobbing.  I sat in the corner of the shower and cried, not wanting to face this day... knowing what the outcome would be, yet at the same time, denying what the outcome would be.  I even dressed up (and wore horribly uncomfortable shoes) because I wanted to look nice when my mom woke up. 

I drove to my mom and dad's house and waited - wanting to rush to the hospital, but doing what my dad had asked me to do.  My aunt called the house (my mom's sister) and thought it was ridiculous that I was waiting on someone to wake up.  She told me to wake my grandfather up, so we could both head over to the hospital.  (Which is exactly what I did).

I parked in emergency room parking, and we headed in.  This started a looooong day of waiting for the doctor to show up.  They moved her from the emergency room to ICU.  Me, my dad, my brother and his wife kept vigil with my mom - sitting beside her and talking to her, sharing stories, laughing and crying.  (My grandfather couldn't face what was going on, so he stayed in the waiting room all day).  My mom wasn't awake.  She was on life support.

All day we waited for the doctor to show up.  My brother and I fooled ourselves into thinking she was going to wake up... her eyes would move, and they'd open a little bit.  We took this as a good sign.

Twelve hours after she collapsed and was rushed to the hospital, the doctor finally made an appearance.  He spent about 5 minutes in the room with her, and the started talking about taking her off life support the next day.  Still majoring in denial, I took that to be a good sign... I thought they were giving her a chance to get stronger... and she'd be strong enough to breath on her own by the next day.

The doctor left, and we all headed down to the waiting room to talk for a bit.  By this time, my aunt and uncle had arrived.

All of a sudden, my dad brought up the funeral.  This was like a punch in the gut.  Somehow I'd missed the fact that the doctor was telling us that my mom was dying, and all that was keeping her alive was life support..  (The cancer had spread all over her body by this point... her doctor knew, but my mom didn't want to know, so she had kept him from telling her.)

I didn't understand it.  If there was no hope for her, and she was going to die, why were they taking her off life support tomorrow?  I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone in the ICU all night. 

I actually asked my family to consider taking her off life support that day.  I argued my case, and everyone agreed that we should contact the doctor and do it right away rather than dragging things out.  We didn't want to her to be alone... we didn't want her to live with pain any longer than she had to.

Around 5 pm, the doctor came back, and we asked him if there was any reason to keep her on life support - if she had any chance whatsoever.  He said no... he'd just been trying to give us time to adjust to the fact that she was dying.

Shortly after that conversation, we all gathered around my mom (except for my grandfather, who just couldn't deal with it) while they turned off the life support.  I honestly thought she would be gone within a matter of moments after that, but I was seriously deluded.  She clung to life for more than seven hours after that.  Again we all took turns holding her hands, talking to her, sharing stories.

I spent 19 hours that day in the hospital watching her struggle to breath.... watching her die.

To be continued.

Six years ago today was the last time I saw my mom alive and awake.

She struggled with breast cancer for 7 years... defeated it once, but it came back 5 years later.  No one ever told me that the medicine she was on was really only effective for 5 years, and that it was likely the cancer would come back.

She fought again, and I never really let myself believe that she could actually die from this.  She'd had breast cancer before and beat it.  So why shouldn't she be able to beat it again?

I hadn't seen my mom in several weeks.  She'd been on vacation with my dad, and then they spent labor day weekend at their lake house.  My brother and I had been invited, but both of us declined (and regret it deeply to this day.)  We both had our excuses... my brother was a new dad to a one month old little girl,   and I'd just bought a condo and was still in the process of unpacking.

On the way home from the lake house, my mom and dad stopped by my condo to bring me a bed for my guest room.  They were replacing the old bed at at the lake house, and I could use it.

The minute my mom stepped out of the car, I knew it... she was dying.  I think I actually took a step back, I was that shocked by her appearance.  She looked so frail and weak, but she still smiled her courageous smile.

She came inside while dad unloaded the bed, and sat down on the sofa.  This was her first time in the condo since it became mine (my grandfather owned it before me, and I bought it when he decided to move back to Missouri).  These were the sofas she and I had picked out together a month earlier... the last time I spent some quality time with her.  (Sofa shopping and hot Krispy Kreme donuts... a memory I will always treasure).

She had a hard time sitting down.  I got her a bottle of water and she dropped the cap and was unable to pick it up.  We laughed and talked like we normally did, but inside I was crying. 

After the bed was unloaded,  I hugged her goodbye and told her I loved her - the last words I spoke to her while she was conscious.

After they left, I called my brother and cried.  The reality was setting in that we were going to lose her... we just had not idea how soon.

To be continued.

Heh... I just found out I'm a wuss.  We had our first earthquake, and I went running for Henry!  I really didn't think they would scare me, but I was wrong!  The earth... just... shouldn't... move like that!

At first I didn't have a clue what was happening.  I heard it before I felt it, and was trying to figure out what it was.  Then everything started shaking... and I was like "Ohhhhh.... earthquake!" 

I looked it up and it was a 4.5 magnitude and the center was about 30 miles north of us.

Henry was so unfazed by it!  He was giving me advice on what I should do if a "big" one happened when he's not around.

Welcome to California!

Well, I'm in L.A.  I got here Sunday as planned.  The trip was quite an adventure.  We had to keep outrunning the ice storm, but we made it safely (we had to ditch our plans to see the Grand Canyon so we could head further South).  My dad and I got along really well.  Better than we have in ages.  The neatest part of the whole trip was when we were driving toward Miami, Oklahoma, and he casually mentioned that 44 years ago this month, he and my mom were on the same road heading to elope.  He then told me the entire story of how that came about.

It was so touching that he remembered, and that he thought to tell me about it. 

This trip is something I'll always remember.

And so here I am.  In the apartment that Henry and I share.  Being with him is as wonderful as I knew it would be!  The apartment?  Heh.  It's a pit.  We planned on moving as soon as possible, but the owners are planning to tear this place down and build condos.  So if we wait for that to get finalized, we'll get $3-4 thousand dollars for relocation expenses.  Plus his whole deposit back (which otherwise I'm sure we wouldn't see a dime of it!)  So it's worth living here for a few months for that to happen.

Henry went to so much effort to clean up for me and move some things around so I'd feel at home.  And that means SO much to me!  But there's still a TON of cleaning to do!  He lived like a college bachelor for five years... so that's a lot of filth to overcome!  I have to constantly fight the urge to buy things to decorate with since we'll be moving!

Oh!  It was so sweet!  Monday night, Kana and Sabre threw a surprise Welcome party for me!  I was really touched by it!  We had pizza and cake and watched Howl's Moving Castle (H's apartment is very similar to the moving castle BEFORE it was cleaned up!)  I really like those two quite a bit, and it's good to have friends here already!

L.A. is very foreign to me.  It's going to take a lot of getting used to, but I'm looking forward to adjusting to the change. 

I'm moving the day after tomorrow.  It's finally sinking in.

Nic came up to play Friday night, and oh my god, I'm going to miss her.  I've been so overwhelmed, and she just strolled in and helped me get a lot done.  Then we got drunk.. and made up a speed stacker's drinking game.  And got my friend Elitest (who is from Maryland) to say "I'd fuck that bill up, yo."  (I haven't laughed so hard in AGES!)  And we had the BEST drunken pizza!

Fortunately, we weren't hungover the next day because my dad and his wife had a goodbye luncheon for me (they invited my brother and his family as well... which is  HUGE deal since they don't really get along anymore.)  As I was sitting there at the table, I realized that I'm actually leaving.  I'm no longer going to be right up the street from my dad.  I won't be seeing my little 5 year old niece very often.  And my brother has always been my "emergency person."  (i.e. if any sort of disaster happened, I knew I could go to my brother's house, and he could keep us alive for ages.)

I lost it when Nic left.  She's my rock... the person who believes in me more than I believe in myself.  And I'm leaving her.

And today, everyone at work threw me a surprise goodbye luncheon.  It was really touching.  I know I hate that job now, but I haven't always.  At one point I loved it and couldn't imagine doing anything else.  And I've been there FIFTEEN years.  I've never done anything else.  I don't know if I know how to do anything else. 

And my dad... we haven't gotten along very well since he got remarried...  but he's still my dad.  And I didn't KNOW him until I started working with him.  And by working with him, I learned what a brilliant man he is... and I have such great respect and love for him.  And lately, I've been seeing glimmers of the man he was before he got remarried.  I didn't think I was going to miss him, but today I realized I will.  And I also realized that he's going to miss me.

My god, this is harder than I thought it would be.

And L.A. is so... foreign.

I know Henry will be there.  And I'm excited about my future with him, but leaving everything I've known my entire life is scary.

Well, it looks like the sale is a go.  We agreed on a price.  It was $1,000 less than the "absolute lowest" I thought I'd take, but I feel good about the decision.  They didn't ask for a carpet allowance, and with the market the way it is, who knows when I'd get another offer. 

The home inspection went well.  The didn't ask for anything to be done because they agreed not to nitpick when I accepted the offer.

And now I'm freaking out.  The closing is on December 29th.  I have to be out by January 12th.  They actually wanted to move the closing up, but I said no.  Not enough time!

I told work when I go the offer, but they've done pretty much nothing since then.  I told them I'd be willing to stay a bit past the 12th if they paid for a hotel.  Yesterday the boss told me they just needed me to stay through next month's invoices. As far as I'm concerned, I'll be done on January 12th!  The good news is Janaury is my service anniversary - so that will add another 2 weeks of pay to my severance, plus it will reset my sick days and personal days.  You can bet I'll be using up those personal days!

I'm still not sure how I'll get out there.  Debating between selling my car and flying, or driving.  I also have to get my cat out there.  I'm talking to a vet tonight to see what would be best for him.  He's never handled being in the car very well, so I can't even imagine what he'd be like on a plane!

I can't believe I'm going to be out of my condo and out of a job in less than a month.  And shortly after that I'll be in California.

I'm scared, stressed and excited beyond belief all at the same time!

I have an offer on my condo.  I'm so nervous!  We're countering today.

And in the meantime, someone else is viewing my condo tomorrow.  I really, really hope it sells.

If the first contract happens, they want a closing on December 29 and then I'd have 14 days to get my stuff out.  That's... wow!  So quick!  I could be in California by the end of January!

Panic is setting in though... realizing that I have to pack up everything... get rid of a bunch of stuff and move across the country.  All while training a replacement at work.  And then looking for a new job once I get there... and I have no clue what I want to do.

And I'm starting to think about my car... it's 6 years old... 7 in May of next year.  It runs fine... I like it... but don't love it.  Someone pointed out I might have trouble selling it in California because of their emission laws and stuff.  So I'm actually thinking about selling my car here, flying there when I move and buying a car out there. 

So many decisions!  So much stress!  *deep breath*  But it will all be worth it in the end.  I'll be with Henry starting my new life.  Hopefully I'll find something that I *enjoy* doing.

And on a side note, someone referred to my engagement ring as "cute"  ... ... ... ._.  She probably didn't mean anything by it, but it sure struck me as condescending.  An engagement ring isn't "cute".  You know, unless it has little puppies carved in the band with a little pink heart stone or something. :p

I have just decreed that today is "Take Your Cat Into Work" Day! >.> 

I have another showing this afternoon, so cat from hell is going to be taking a little field trip into the office with me.

If he "accidentally" slips out of my office and attacks the people who are laying me off... well, I'll *try* to act like I feel bad.

REVENGE!  Muahahahahah!

I am addicted to Nerds Rope.

On today's rope, there was a white nerd.  Are they rare?  Or was it a goof?

Discuss.